


I shall not wholly die

by Issers



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Death, First Kiss, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Harvey, M/M, My depression outing itself in a surprisingly healthy way, quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:00:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23826505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Issers/pseuds/Issers
Summary: “Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”~ Terry Pratchett
Relationships: Mike Ross/Harvey Specter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	I shall not wholly die

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - This is.. well, this is something I suppose. It's one of those 4-AM-semi-awake-semi-focussed fics that are seemingly a direct byproduct of my poor state of mental health. (Non-beta'd, all mistakes are mine.) 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters (as may be obvious.)
> 
> UP TO THE STARS - SAINT PHNX  
> [ So I'll make my way up to the stars  
> I will find you wherever you are  
> And if you're alone in the dark  
> Light will guide me  
> And I'll find my way back to you  
> I'll make my way up to the stars  
> I'll make my way up to the stars  
> Breathe out  
> Breathe in  
> I won't stop believing  
> That I'll see your face in the crowd  
> Breathe out  
> Breathe in  
> A feeling of come back around ]

_A choked sob, a tear rolling down a face making its way to a shiny floor reflecting the far-too-bright hospital lighting._

_A warm hand, desperately holding on to one that was vastly growing pale and cold._

_A smile, because for all that letting go hurt, he knew that the last thing Mike would have wanted was to see him distressed._

***  
In the years that Harvey had the pleasure of knowing Mike they discussed the prospect of death exactly three times. He knew this, because each one had left as much of a mark as the previous.

The first was relatively early in their relationship, which, at the time, had still been entirely professional.

It had been in the office, one of the late-night semi-lucid conversations that they would manage to squeeze in between the work.

They had been talking about something entirely different, when out of the blue Mike had asked him if he ever feared death. Harvey had laughed, shrugged and answered with a short no, for he knew that if he were to die he would have achieved what he wanted; he had a penthouse, all the ladies he could possibly desire and an associate who he could pawn all his work off on.

He had said those words jokingly, yet Mike's returning stare had been deadly serious.

“So do you never like.. think about your legacy, how people are going to remember you?” he had asked.

To be fair, it had caught him off-guard (not that he let it show, of course.) He had waited a moment, checking if the words he was about to say felt right. “I suppose not.” he'd responded with. "After you go, why does it matter what you leave behind? You're not going to be there to witness what it causes anyway." He shot Mike a quick smile before following it up with "Funerals, I've decided, are not for the dead, they're for the living.[1]

He was met with a wide-eyed stare. "Dude, did you seriously just quote _The Fault in Our Stars_ as an answer to my deeply existential question about our eventual demise?" His associate's mock-offense had soon been replaced by a broad smile, as he burst into uncontrollable laughter.

And right then, Harvey realized he would do everything for that laugh.

***

The second time had been years later, a mere few seconds after he'd finally mustered up the courage to cross any professional boundaries he had put in place and had pressed his lips against Mike's.

It was the aftermath of an entirely draining trial, one during which they struggled to make even an inch of progress. Where both of them had spent long nights in Harvey's office breaking their heads over a seemingly non-existent solution.

It had been a trial like none other. One that threatened to subdue even the great Harvey Specter and his genius associate. And then, at their lowest, Mike had gotten that spark in his eye. The one that Harvey had come to recognize as the ' _I-fucking-know-what-to-do_ ' glisten.

Not even three hours later the case had been won.

And so when he had found himself in his office with Mike again, both sipping on a celebratory glass of scotch, Harvey had finally decided that he had pined after Mike long enough. Licking his lips as he stepped forward, leaning into his personal space -- hesitating as if to ask if this was okay.

When there was no clear response he had crossed the last few inches.

The kiss was nowhere as desperate as he had expected it to be, instead, it was delicate and tender. He realized that it was nothing like he could have imagined. No, it was better. He nearly scoffed at his own mental anecdote, but hey, what could he say. He had always been a sucker for cliches.

When he stepped back he scanned Mike's face. Looking for (and expecting) the surprise and anger that he thought he would see.

Instead he sat there with a big dumb smile plastered on his face, cheeks slightly flushed. Right then knew he had made the right decision.

What he had not known or expected though, was what Mike would say next.

It had been a few minutes later, after both had remained in a comfortable state of silence for a little while.

" _And this was the reason that, long ago, In this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling My beautiful Annabel Lee; So that her highborn kinsmen came And bore her away from me, To shut her up in a sepulchre In this kingdom by the sea._ "<[2] Mike pronounced each word with care, as Harvey found himself carried away by the rhythmic tones.

"Excuse me?" He'd asked, once he was finished.

"It's Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe." Mike had answered, as if it was the most normal thing to do.

Harvey's eyebrows had furrowed together "Yes, I get that. But why?" He'd asked.

"It emphasizes the importance of eternal love, even when someone is gone." Mike had stepped closer, cupping Harvey's face with one hand. "Harvey if we're going to do this, promise you'll love me forever."

He'd looked for any signs that this was a joke, but all he saw was raw emotion. He knew that all words would fail him, and thus he nodded. A single motion that meant so much more.

***

The third was, again, much later. When the two of them had long since settled into a domestic routine. They had been lying in bed, holding each other close when Mike suddenly sat up.

"Harv?" He'd asked, to which the latter had responded with "Yes Mike?

"How is it, that even now, when everything is fantastic I can't help but worry about how it's going to end?"

Harvey had raised a single eyebrow. "Great to know that while I'm trying to sleep you're busy thinking about how you'll perish."

Mike ran a hand through his hair. "I know it's irrational, but I can't help but worry."

"Mike, you're barely thirty-three. I'm sure you've got a while.

For a second Mike remained quiet, before answering with "You, on the other hand Harvey, are ancient and _definitely_ should be worrying."

Harvey scoffed before noticing a hint of sadness in Mike's eyes. "Okay, out with it. what's bothering you?" He'd asked.

"It's nothing.. I guess it's stupid, but I bet my parents thought they had all the time in the world before they were hit by that car."

Harvey pulled his partner closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Half-asleep Mike murmured "Every living creature on this planet dies alone." [3]

_Donnie Darko_ , because of course it was.

Harvey pressed his head against Mike's shoulder. His next words were so quiet that one could debate if they were even really spoken. "But I don't want to be alone"

***  
That faithful day had started with a phone call, as so many did. A smile tugged on Harvey's face when his phone recognized the caller-id as Mike.

"Hey" he heard the voice on the other side of the line say, after he pressed accept call.

"Hey" he replied.

"I wanted to call to let you know that I've just found the solution to all our issues regarding the Brightwell case."

Harvey took a second, seemingly letting the words settling in. "Sorry, you did what? Are you sure?"

The supposedly straight-forward Brightwell merger turned into one of the most tedious cases they'd ever encountered. A mix of a less-than cooperative client along with a morally ambiguous opposing council nearly proving to be too much for them.

That is why, when Mike calls, to simply tell him that he found the magic key to all their issues, he's surprised. Surprised and perhaps a tad sceptical.

"Yes!" Mike answered. "It stared us right in the face all along, we just didn't think to look where it was most obvious."

He continued to explain how the answer to their problems could be found in the original agreement. Harvey nodded along silently, mentally commending his associate. He might not say it out loud, but the kid was probably the best lawyer he'd ever met.

He smiled, "So, I assume this means we have time to celebrate tonight. I know you've been meaning to try out that new Lebanese place"

He could hear the smile tugging on his partner's face. "That sounds great. I'm going to finish up here, how about we meet at eight?"

*  
Eight turned into nine-thirty, when a meeting with a client ran exceptionally long.

Mike had assured him that it didn't matter, he could wait at the restaurant for a little while while Harvey finished up.

Mike had learned to be lenient when it came to punctuality, he'd never been one to care too much about it in the first place, so if Harvey needed some extra time he wasn't going to get mad about it.

Luckily the restaurant they'd picked had a fantastic bar, so with a drink in hand he'd sat down to scroll through the news on his phone.

He'd been sitting there for maybe thirty minutes when he received the first text. He didn't recognize the number, which, with his memory, meant he'd never seen it before.

It was short, there was no greeting, no formalities, just a plain message, reading _"outside"._

He decided to leave it be, they probably had the wrong number anyway.

They kept coming.

_"Go outside"_   
_"I'm waiting"_   
_"Come on"_

Perhaps this was a sick prank, he thought to himself. But he couldn't help feeling curious. Against his better judgement he got up, and moved to the door.

The cold March wind instantly sent chills down his spine, his body taking a few moments to adjust to the temperature. He stood in silence for a few seconds, before feeling the distinct rush of body warmth, as he was tackled to the ground.

His head throbbed as he was dragged to the alleyway, his attacker wore a hood, covering his entire face in shadows. Something felt familiar though, even if he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

The mystery was ruined the moment the first words came out of the man's mouth though. "You ruined my life Michael." He heard Trevor hiss dangerously. "You fucked everything up for me."

Mike looked up at his oldest friend, wondering what he was talking about. "What do you m-" he tried to interrupt, but before he could even finish the sentence the gunshot rang out, as he felt the pain blossom in his chest.

***

Harvey stepped out of his car, after a long day at work he wanted nothing more than to unwind with his partner.

His train of thought was interrupted by a gunshot, followed by a figure sprinting out of the dark alleyway. He heard the whimper of someone, clearly in pain, as he scrambled to fish his phone from his pocket.

He ran to the scene, already dialling 9-1-1, he'd barely finished talking to the operator when he saw what he would come to know as the picture haunting his dreams.

his worst nightmare could be seen right in front of him. Or rather, slumped back against a wastebin.

Mike heaved heavily, hand gripping his abdomen as fresh blood turned his hands red.

Harvey barely registered dropping the phone, running towards his partner, falling to his knees as he ripped off his coat to press down on the gaping hole in Mike's stomach. "Harvey" he gasped.

"Who did this." The aforementioned had asked.

The younger man took a shuddering breath. "Trevor" he'd said, sounding clearer than anyone should given the circumstances. "It was Trevor."

Because who else would it be.

Mike reached out, running a hand through Harvey's hair before mumbling  
"Fear of death is what keeps us alive" [4] ignoring the blood that mixed with his saliva. He smiled weakly. It wasn't even a conscious quote, really. It just slipped out. Casual as ever.

" _Star Trek_ " Harvey answered. "You're here dy-" he stopped halfway through, breathing sharply, closing his eyes because Mike was NOT dying. He wasn't. "You're here bleeding out, and you quote _Star Trek_."

"Is Star Trek not intellectual enough for you? I can always throw in some Horace. _I shall not wholly die_ , and all that." [5] He laughed, the sound coming out all mingled and wrong, face scrunching up in evident pain.

"Harvey I love you." He exclaimed, reaching out a hand, but finding that he couldn't lift his arm more than a few inches. Harvey seemed to have understood the gesture though, reaching out, fingers curling around his own.

"I know Mike, you don't have to tell me."

Mike felt the tears welling up in his eyes, pressing his lips together firmly. "No, Harvey please listen. I love you, and I always will, wherever I am." His partner looked ready to protest, so he quickly continued. "But I know that there's nothing that could be done. The bullet hit my vena cava, probably nearly three minutes ago now. You put pressure on the wound as soon as you got here, that may buy me a little time... Nonetheless, I'm giving it three minutes tops."

Harvey looked at him pleadingly, silently begging him to hold on, wait for the ambulance.

He knew that they wouldn't reach them in time.

Mike smiled up at him. The blue puppy-dog eyes that had become so awfully familiar, yet in which he could still drown, softly gazing towards him, looking into the world with astounding clarity. "Harvey I love you, but I think it's about time I go visit my granny." And with those words came a ragged breath, followed by another. A high pitched squeal, a sound no human should ever produce, and then the sagging of a pair of shoulders.

And even as he lay there, limp, slid back against an alley wall he looked alive. Everything seemed fine, he looked cunning as the day they had met.

Everything was okay

If you could ignore the blood gushing out of the gunshot wound in his chest.

He looked so alive,

until he didn't.

When the ambulance reached the scene the last signs of life had long dissipated from Mike's body, the final manic breaths had faded away into the air around them.

His love's form lay still on the pavement.

Flashing lights around him went unnoticed as the world ground to a halt. The air felt colder somehow. He saw the whirling movement around them -- felt someone hold him; ask him something.

The words seemed foreign, his surroundings unrecognizable.

He was so, so alone. Lost in this cold unfamiliar world.

He came by to the all-too-recognizable smell of hospital. He didn't know why he was here. How he came to find himself in a chair, outside a room with a closed door.

His first instinct was to ask Mike. He would know. But for some reason his name seemed to produce nothing but a stab of sadness.

He frowned, utterly confused. Ran a hand over his forehead. But when he looked down he saw his arms stained with deep-red blood.

And that's when everything flooded back to him.

***

Harvey opened and shut his mouth a couple times, breathing in deeply as he stared at the pale vessel that once housed a soul that shone so brightly. He contemplated each word carefully.

“You know Mike, you’ve always been special. You’ve always been different from everyone else. You were smarter, faster; more effective. I love -- or well, loved- you for that. Not only that, of course, but it was what drew me to you in the first place. Your genius, unmatched by anyone I’ve ever met, including myself..”

He took a second to gather his thoughts, as he felt a small smile creep onto his face.

“But really, _Star Trek: Beyond_? Out of all the movies you could have gone with, that was your shot? You could have at least gone with something a little more classic. It isn’t as though Star Trek lacks any good ones either. “How we deal the death is at least as important as how we deal with life.” [6] was one of your options.

He smiled idly.

Somewhere, far away in the back of his mind he could still hear Mike’s laugh. It felt wrong, entirely uncanny somehow. Tears were falling freely now. He swallowed again, before untangling his hand from the one that still rested in his palm. It took him exactly three steps to leave the hospital room, yet each one felt like a thousand miles. Every time he as much as lifted his foot he could feel a little bit of the remaining connection to Mike wash away.

Careful steps followed by a trail of tears, guidelessly making their way to the floor,

The shuffling of feet -- his own, he recognized. Until he finally crossed the threshold of the door. Until he heard the near-physical snap of the last thing that seemed to bond him to the man he loved. Reverberating over and over in his mind.

And then, and only then he would come to realize the full extent of what had happened, what he had witnessed. When he looked back through that door -- towards the clinical lighting which made the impossibly pale body even paler he would feel the emotions hit him like a tsunami, knocking him over as he sank to the ground.

**Author's Note:**

> 1 Hazel Grace Lancaster, The Fault in Our Stars (A/N I couldn't resist adding at least one completely random quote. When trying to think of something that would be entirely ooc this popped up in my head.)
> 
> 2 The full poem could be found here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44885/annabel-lee
> 
> 3 (Link to clip: youtube.com/watch?v=e0s5lx_Pu78) (A/N This basically just seemed fitting.)
> 
> 4 Spock - "Fear is illogical." Bones - "Fear of death is what keeps us alive." (clip: https://yarn.co/yarn-clip/62a2fe11-ffd7-4ca0-95c7-15f96e978cc1) 
> 
> 5 "Non Omnis Morinar; I shall not wholly die and a great part of me will escape the grave" (A/N I felt that this was oddly fitting for the story. It was one of those situations where you start with a quote and it just expands from there. )
> 
> 6 (Clip: https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/fcadc179-d533-4c80-9e6a-0da6775fd04b)
> 
> That's it I suppose. Thanks for reading this. If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving a comment, they make my day.


End file.
